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Postby blue eyes » Sat Aug 11, 2007 11:18 am

My Son moved back in and I don't like it, I'm sorry but we don't get along and he's a bum. Why am I telling you this, maybe you can change my heart. He gets me angry I ask him to do something and he creates more work for me. I bought him a car to go get a job and he hasn't. he sits at the computer all day if he's here. He is 20 and been out of the house for 2 years and to be honest its been more peaceful. We moved to a smaller house so he sleeps in a trailer outside at night but is inside the rest of the time. So I'm kicking him out and my wife agrees but we feel bad because he say's he has nowhere to go. I'm in a dillema about what to do. It's almost as if it him or me and I love it here. Thanks for listening.

Paul
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Postby jochanaan » Sat Aug 11, 2007 2:29 pm

Sounds like a situation, all right. :cry: Can you tell us more? Has he always been like this, or is it a new development? Has there been trauma in his life recently, perhaps a romantic breakup or a job loss? Can you and he talk at all, or do you always argue? :?:
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Postby blue eyes » Sat Aug 11, 2007 4:54 pm

He's been my step son since he was 2 and yes he's argued with me since then. I love him and he's very intelligent but lazy. He lasts about 6 months at a job then quits or gets fired. he gets bored with it. He has a girlfriend and there doing fine. And we do talk but he doesn't listen. What else can I tell you?
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Postby natman » Sat Aug 11, 2007 5:13 pm

Your 20 year old son sounds just like our 20 year old son (wo is also my stepson). Ours is signed up to go into the military, but his position will not be open until December. Consequently, he will not go get a "real" job because he will only have to wuit it in a few months. He works for a family friend a few hours every couple of weeks or so whenever they need an extra hand. He basically mooches from friend to friend as they get tired of him. Like you, we have given him a car so that he can get a job, but it just sits there most of the time because he doesn'y usually have the money to put gas in it.

At this point it almost seems futile kick him out and we are concerned that if we do, he'll get into trouble such that he will not make it into the service. (That is what happened a few months ago).

Most of the time, we feel like he is playing us like a fiddle. However, we do not give him anything more than a bed to sleep in, whatever we make for dinner and a cell phone so that he can be contacted when and if our friends need him to work.

If you trip across a solution to your dilema, please let me know. In the mean time we are toughing it out until December.
SON-cerely,
Nathan Powers

Get exposed to the sun, and get exposed to the Son.
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Re: Help

Postby Jon-Marc » Sat Aug 11, 2007 6:55 pm

blue eyes wrote:My Son moved back in and I don't like it, I'm sorry but we don't get along and he's a bum. Why am I telling you this, maybe you can change my heart. He gets me angry I ask him to do something and he creates more work for me. I bought him a car to go get a job and he hasn't. he sits at the computer all day if he's here. He is 20 and been out of the house for 2 years and to be honest its been more peaceful. We moved to a smaller house so he sleeps in a trailer outside at night but is inside the rest of the time. So I'm kicking him out and my wife agrees but we feel bad because he say's he has nowhere to go. I'm in a dillema about what to do. It's almost as if it him or me and I love it here. Thanks for listening.

Paul


Forgive me if I seem to be uncaring, but he is an adult who needs to get a job. He is playing on your feelings as a dad and taking advantage of your generosity. He won't help himself until he is forced to do so. I'm assuming he is mentally and physically able to support himself, but that he is just too lazy to do so. Why should he as long as dear dad will support him?

Give him a time limit to find work and an apartment of his own. When I graduated from high school, I went put and found a job and a one room apartment with cooking. I wasn't 20 yet either. Tell him he has X amount of days,weeks, or months --depending on how long you want to put up with his laziness--to find a job and somewhere else to live. He will probably continue to play on your feelings for him as a dad, but at the end of that time boot him out. He can find a friend to mooch off of and see how long that will last.
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Postby Alfie » Sat Aug 11, 2007 9:14 pm

Yep J-M is right I reckon, exercise some 'hard love' these guys need to take responsibility for their own lives, full stop, they may continue to mooch until you don't allow them to keep USING you.
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Postby nudjohn » Sat Aug 11, 2007 11:39 pm

discipline!

Accountability and Responcability!

Send him packing, in LOVE! When the prodical decided to do it Dad's way, then he was able to return!

I heard the story once of a man who had a son that had reached the age to be on his own. The son had gotten into truble many times and even into drugs. The Father and Mother agreed they need not support their son's bad habbits and get him out of the trouble he made for himself. The Father was moved with compassion when his son came by asking for another handout. Out of agreement with the wife, decided to give his son a Bible instead, insisting that he read it. The son reluctantly took the Bible, but never opened it. Later in life, he and his Father had a heart to heart talk. He asked his Dad why he wouldn't give him the money he asked for. The Father asked what the son did with the Bible. The son brought it to him. The Father told him to open the Bible to John 3:16. There between the pages was the money the son had asked for. IF the son would have simply listen and obeyed what his father told him to do.
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Postby blue eyes » Sun Aug 12, 2007 10:16 am

Thanks for the support all.
Natman, I can understand your son's reluctance since he will have a full time job soon and maybe he's trying to enjoy his life before giving it to the military. Our son was in the military he lasted until after bootcamp. I'm not exactly sure what happened but he experienced difficulties at the new unit. He's had jobs since he left and a car. He forgot to put the oil pan drain plug in when changing the oil and drove the car. So the car is ruined and he lost his job because no car. He's down on his luck and I buy a car for him to pay back. But he puts off a real job and works for relatives only when needing gas money too.

Jon-marc,
I don't think your uncaring I thought I was. I think his friends gave him the boot thats why he's here. :)

Alfie,
I hear that, no more mooching.

Nudjohn,
I think God is calling him and he's not listening.
I love that story.

I'll give him 2 days to have a job then he leaves with a bible. Thank again. :)
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Postby Jon-Marc » Sun Aug 12, 2007 5:00 pm

I heard about a boy who was sick and tired of the restrictions put on him by his parents so he joined the Army. :lol:
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Postby nudjohn » Sun Aug 12, 2007 10:26 pm

I think that was the main reason my middle stepson joined the Marines. He left last Monday for boot camp.
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Postby Jon-Marc » Sun Aug 12, 2007 11:29 pm

nudjohn wrote:I think that was the main reason my middle stepson joined the Marines. He left last Monday for boot camp.


Well, John, if your stepson thinks he will have it easy in the Marines, he will get a big shock when reality sets in--very quickly. :lol:
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Tough Love

Postby lwrails » Mon Aug 13, 2007 5:27 am

Blue Eyes: I can appreciate your situation as I was (at a short time of my life) the son you described. Since so many of our friends here have already advised on the tough love aspect, I can only add a little practical aspect. Put him to work for you. Set the rules of your house and he either complies or moves on. He wants to stay at your home, then he must earn his keep. Odd jobs around the house provide for his daily meals and the roof over his head. You need to stick to this for it to work. If a task you give him is not accomplished, then the "payment" is not given. I have kept my thoughts generic here, so if you would want more details, please let me know.

Scripture is loaded with examples of the need to work for your daily cares.

In His Service,

Lon W
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Postby blue eyes » Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:36 am

Hello Iwrails,
Thats what I do, because he should help out here if he lives here. Anyway I asked him yesterday to help put up some fencing, He developed an illness and decided to stay at his girlfriends house because she has the same illness. Sadly I feel relief.

Paul
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Postby Paul Walker » Mon Aug 13, 2007 11:49 am

You BOUGHT HIM A CAR????!!!!

Be my dad!! Gimmee, gimmee, gimmeee!!!!!

Hate to say this, but God's word is very clear- If he does not work, he does not eat. If you want to follow God's word (I think we all do here), then you know what you have to do.

My older brother (no longer alive) was in similar situation. When given things (like a car), it ends very badly! Being the middle kid, I was given nothing but hand-me-downs and such. No allowance, no help with college tuition, I had to earn everything myself. Now, I have a PHD and make mid 6-figures. And, I am close to God, obey Jesus, and have a very blessed family too! Amen!!!

My little sister (who was given everything) turned out be a drug user and had her kid taken from her (wife and me have custody). She has immoral sexual relations, does drugs and drinks, and has been experimenting with wicca. Nothing I do seems to help since my mom and dad continue to 'help' her all the time by giving her some money or a place to stay for a few months. She just gets worse. She wants NOTHING to do with God or his word. In fact, she fought for custody of the kid based on our Christian household. She argued that she did not want her child raised that way, she wanted him to be able to make 'his own decisions' etc. We won anyway, and now until she cleans up her act, she doesn't know her own son. Sad too, the 'lifestyle' is more important to her than her own son...

I hate to be so direct here... However God's word tells us to be bold, so here goes.. Do you want your step son to end up like my brother or my little sister??? Or do you want to do what God's word tells you to before it is too late???

I write this with great love to you, my brother in Christ. Not to be mean or argue.
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Postby blue eyes » Tue Aug 14, 2007 5:16 pm

Paul,
It's not like I gave him the car. He will be making monthly payments and if he skips on those I take the car back. My son has been givin alot by his dead drug using father not me. I would say he bought his love. I've always worked for everything and tryed to teach him that, which before he moved back in he said that's what I taught him. But I Don't think he gets it still, always looking for the easy way out. Or he was just giving me his b.s. again.
I'll pray for your sister and my son.

I don't think your being mean or argumentative, and thanks for the input.

Paul
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